OF :: Where Have You Gone?

Title: Where Have You Gone?
Arc: Faerie
Rating: PG-13
Written: Summer 2003
Summary: A short piece from Nijelyn shortly after Jeassinae’s disappearance.
Author’s Note: Of the many pieces I’ve written that focus exclusively on Jeassinae and Nijelyn, this one is my favorite, most likely because of the imagery. This was written during a phase when I was playing a lot with the language of Faerie; it contains, therefore, many comments from Nijelyn in Faerie. Translations follow in square brackets [].

These characters, stories, and ideas are the original, copyrighted work of Nicole Sharp and are protected under a Creative Commons License.

I thought I saw you in the doorway when I returned to Jeas’Grove today.

I left without telling the bekaryns what to do, chased you down corridors and up stairways to the room that we share. It was locked, though I knew I’d been only a few steps behind you when you closed it.

Of course, I unlocked it and opened the door.

No one was there. Only a room stacked high with memories, not the least of which was the candle that toppled as you and I last shared our bed. The taper had fallen and rolled away, but there was still a pool of wax with your fingerprints molded into it. I still remember kissing your fingers after you burnt yourself trying to right the blasted candle.

My favorite quill still lays by an open well on the desk. Scribbles of music, the latest measures of our song are strewn across it. The unfinished page has a streak of ink blackening it from when you interrupted me that night to take me to bed with you.

A strand of your hair still lays on my pillow.

Your scent is there as well.

You are not. And that tortures me each time I open my eyes. I cannot stand it. I would leave this place, except I fear that I might forget you, and thus lose all that is left to me. The bekaryns prepare their things; they cannot stay in Faerie without you.

Anemá r’tenieno, mellim? [Where have you gone, love?]

In Aderaes they speak words that Faeries have never uttered of our own. They speak of your death. Even as I write it, I cannot bring myself to believe. How can it be that you are gone from me forever when I remember you so clearly?

I will see you again. I must. I cannot live without you. Your light is greater than all the stars together, and, without that, I am an empty shell, utterly alone and lost.

At night I long for a whisper of your voice, even if it comes in anger.

Xaea cilae kan eru vé r’emrielo. [Never before have you left me like this.]

I held you in my arms. I drew the long, black arrows from you myself. I did all I could, mellim, to steady your starlight until Trijeson brought the Cloak. You were wrapped in it completely, and still you paled and your touch grew colder. Your lifeblood seeped from wounds unhealing, and I did all I could to hold you there, to call our souls together.

We almost touched. There was a single brush, and in that instant I felt darkness and cold as I had never before known. Did I recoil? I can think of no other explanation. I must have pulled away from what you suffered and that knocked you from the brink. Your starlight disappeared into blackness.

No one can know my guilt. I should have held on to you. I should have been strong for you. All your life you have given of yourself for the good of others, and when it mattered most I could not summon the strength to hold you steady.

I never deserved the love you gave me, yet without you I fade.

My heart was with you then. I think the best part of me died that day, and Aderana knows I have no desire to continue. She had to take the Dagger from me because I tried to follow you.

I held you after you’d slipped. It was a longer fall for your body, I think, than for your spirit. Colder your skin grew, and your breath waned until it came no more. There was a little gasp, and you looked up at me for an instant. Weakly, I heard your final whisper to me. Not the blame I deserved, only love. Do you know how desperately I dove into the cold? Did you feel me trying to grasp at the words that drifted away like smoke? I didn’t touch them at all. You were already gone.

Even when I set my ear to your chest I could hear nothing.

The golden summer died without even a hint of autumn. Now only blistering winter remains and I have nothing.

Etur j’lirunmi ror, rianae kalis dé itui isrieo? Kaliro r’halado tiniem, animá j’nemi xaea nuriro? Aliranar agmar hil kanim telyn ergran. [When will I see you, silver star of my heart? Why must you go where I cannot follow? Only death holds any joy for me now.]

« Return to the public Faerie excerpts

2 Responses to “OF :: Where Have You Gone?”

  • Oh, the angst. This line: >>She had to take the Dagger from me because I tried to follow you<< makes me shudder. You know the way to my heart is with an angsty bloke and, well, I'm still a Nijelyn fangirl.

  • Re-reading this now, I think “Oh, the angst” is the only proper response. I don’t think either of us are ever going to stop being the original Nijelyn fangirls. We’ll need t-shirts or something after stuff gets published 😛

Leave a Reply